The Best Joke
by Raptor-Elephant
Summary: As rumours spread around South Park about Kyle, Cartman decides to confront the Jewish boy. CartmanxKyle, KYMAN. Very very small mention of Style that you’ll miss if you blink.


**Reasoning behind this fic: **I love Kyman, I seriously do. It's one of my favourite SP pairing, along with Style and Cutters. However, Cartman really is an evil child.

**Warning: **Language and making out. No lemons or anything so T should be a suitable rating.

**Sequel: **Probably soon, with any luck. Unless something goes terribly wrong, I should do a sequel to this :)

**A/N: **My first South Park fan work. I've been wanting to do one for a while, but just haven't got round to it. Like or don't like, please review? **No flames though please**. I haven't read any fics like this, but there probably are some out there. If there is, I didn't copy them, promise :-)

The boys are abut 14/15 in this, by the way.

**Disclaimer: **I own plush dolls of Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman. I also own The Cult of Cartman DVD and an awesome Cartman T-Shirt. I don't however, own South Park, which belongs to the awesome Matt and Trey! I don't own much money and I love all my belongings as if they were my children, so please don't sue me!

**The Best Joke**

"Kahl?" There was that whiney voice. That drone that drove Kyle insane more often than not. No matter how he tried to ignore it, it would continue until he snapped. It existed to piss him off.

Kyle Broflovski hated the way the fatass said his name. He hated how Cartman treated him, how he ripped on Jews, how he insulted his mother at every chance he got.

To put it simply, Kyle hated Eric Cartman.

Clenching his pale fists, Kyle closed his eyes as Cartman repeated his name. _Maybe if I ignore him, he'll go away… _That approach never worked, and Kyle knew it. Still, he forever lived in hope. Perhaps one day the fatass Nazi would just vanish from his life, leaving him be. That would be the day; a life without Eric Theodore Cartman… that would be… _perfect_.

"Oy! Fucking Jew! I'm speaking to you!" Kyle's jaw clenched, his teeth grinding together. _Don't rise… don't rise…_ "Kaaaaahl, don't ignore me Goddamnit!"

"Shut up fatass!" Kyle finally snapped. It was the same old story; no matter how many years passed, Eric Cartman would provoke Kyle Broflovski, and Kyle would rise to it. It didn't take a lot either, just Cartman calling him a Jew was enough to make his blood boil.

"But Kahl," Cartman whined, using the same tone he took with his mother when he wanted something. "I heard an interesting rumour about you earlier."

"Started it more like," Kyle muttered angrily under his breath. He knew what the rumour was, and he was a hundred percent positive that it was Cartman who had started it. It was a childish, pathetic rumour. One designed to turn his friends against him no doubt. However, it wasn't the motives behind it that bothered Kyle…

"What was that Kahl?" Cartman asked innocently. Angry green eyes flashed up, locking onto Cartman's brown pair.

"What do you want Cartman?!"

Surprising Kyle, Cartman blushed, his gaze falling to the ground. In some respects (apart from being a Hell of a lot larger, and more than twice as evil and fucked up) he reminded Kyle of Butters in his more bashful moments. No doubt the manipulative bastard had been taking notes.

"I… is it true?" Cartman asked quietly, his gaze refusing to meet Kyle's. The smaller boy's lips pressed into a tight frown. What kind of prank was this? Cartman was an expert manipulator, and Kyle always fell into his traps. Despite that, everything with Cartman was always an act; this shy, bashful question would be no different.

"What the hell do you care, fatass?"

"Kahl, I'm seriously!" Cartman whined. "I spoke to Kenneh and he thinks it's true…" There was a touch of desperation in Cartman's tone, as if knowing the answer was a life or death situation. Seriously, what _was_ going on?

"Look, just leave me alone, okay?" Kyle snapped. Whatever Cartman's game, Kyle wasn't in the mood. He wasn't going to let himself be fooled again, wasn't going to let Cartman trick him. He wasn't nine years old anymore for Gods sake!

"No but listen to me Kahl," Cartman begged, raising his gaze slightly, but still not meeting Kyle's green eyes. "I know we've never exactly been friends. Hell, we fight more than we get on. I rip on you for being a Jew, for having a bitch of a mom… for just about everything."

"Does this have a point, fatass?" Kyle demanded, annoyed. He didn't need this. Kyle had to speak to Stan; to make sure his best friend wasn't worried about those rumours.

"Shut yeh Goddamn Jew mouth and listen!" Cartman snapped. As Kyle opened his mouth to snap back, Cartman released a sigh and shook his head. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm just… I guess you could say I'm a little nervous. Listen Kahl, there's something I want to tell you.

"I know you hate me, and I'll be the first to admit I'm a fucking bastard to you and deserve it. But Kahl… I want you to know something. They say you always hurt the ones you love, right?" Kyle's jaw dropped a little more with each word Cartman spoke. What was going on? Surely he was dreaming, right? "I know I don't have a chance. I know it's that Goddamn hippie faggot you love, but I want you to know that I… damn it all to Hell!" Having obviously given up on struggling with words, Cartman took a step forward, seized Kyle by his orange jacket, and pulled him roughly towards him. Kyle's green eyes widened in shock as Cartman's lips roughly pressed against his.

Despite the new rumours flying around South Park High School, this was Kyle Broflovski first kiss with a boy. Not that he'd shared many with girls for that matter, but considering everybody now thought him gay (a rumour that was actually true), it seemed like an important fact. His first gay kiss; it felt so right, yet at the same time, so wrong. This was Eric Cartman for Gods sake! This was his life enemy, the guy who existed to make his life Hell!

As Cartman's tongue lightly brushed against his closed lips, Kyle forgot his minds protests and allowed a small moan to escape him. Closing his eyes, Kyle gave into the kiss, his lips moving in gentle synchronization with Cartman's.

All his pent up feelings, all the secrets he'd been holding in, flowed out through the kiss as Kyle dug his long fingers into Cartman's thick locks of brown hair. Surprising even himself, Kyle's mouth parted slightly, allowing full access to Cartman's tongue, turning the kiss more passionate.

By now, Kyle's mind had completely shut off. Somewhere inside of him, a small part (near his toes) knew that this was wrong. There was no way Cartman was kissing him because he liked him… there had to be something else to it. Maybe Cartman was recording this, to prove the rumours correct. Then again, Cartman would have learnt his lesson all those years ago when he put Butters penis in his mouth to make the blonde appear gay.

As Cartman's large hands travelled underneath Kyle's shirt, massaging the bare flesh of Kyle's chest, a little bit of sense flew back into the Jewish boy. What was he doing kissing Cartman? And why the fuck did it feel so bloody damn good?!

Horrified with himself, Kyle pulled away from the larger boy. Eyes wide, he stared at Cartman in disbelief.

"…What the hell was that, Cartman?" he asked quietly. He was sure Cartman would burst out laughing and admit that he just wanted to see if Kyle really was gay. He expected the usual 'fag' comments. Instead, Cartman just shrugged nervously.

"I wanted you to know how I felt, Jew boy." Cartman chuckled nervously. "I just… wanted to act before some other guy snatched you up. Okay, I didn't actually think you would kiss me back, that was a plus."

"Dude, are you saying that you're gay as well?!"

Cartman smirked. "Didn't you notice? I thought it was obvious. '_You _will_ suck my balls Kyle'_."

"No way…" Kyle breathed. He had been worried all along about coming out of the closet, when all along Cartman had beaten him to it?! That was… well that just sucked! Why did Cartman always have to upstage him?!

"So what to you think, Jew?"

"About what?" Kyle asked blankly, his mind running in circles, still trying to keep up after that amazing (but bloody wrong - that was Cartman dammit!) kiss.

"Oh," Cartman's face fell. "If you don't know what I mean, then I guess that's a no." Without speaking further, Cartman turned around, his large shoulders slumped slightly. Feeling dejected, he started to walk away. Kyle hesitated, guilt riddling him. On the one hand, it seemed that Cartman was truly being genuine with his feelings, but on the other, this _was_ Cartman!

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Kyle took a deep breath.

"W-wait! Wait, Cartman!" Cartman stopped, and unseen to Kyle, smirked before turning his expression to confusion and facing the smaller boy.

"What is it Kahl?"

"Did you mean it? All of it?"

"Of course. This isn't the type of thing you joke about. I love you Kahl, I have done for a long time."

"How long?" Kyle questioned quietly. He felt so confused right now, wondering what the right thing to do was. He had thought he hated Cartman, but that kiss, and the larger boys' confession, well, they brought feelings he wasn't even aware he felt to mind.

"Since we were kids," Cartman shrugged. "I didn't want to admit it to start off with. I tried to hate you, Goddammit, I tried so hard to hate you, and you believe it, like the little fag you were, you actually believe I hated you. If it didn't piss me off so much, I'd find it funny. Of course, I wanted you to hate me; fucking hell are you hot when you're angry. I learnt exactly how to control you, how to make you tick. You could say I've been a little obsessed with you for quite some time, Kyle." Kyle wasn't sure whether that was meant as a compliment or not, but on the most part, he just found it creepy. Even so, a part of him was drawn into Cartman's words. A part of him believed what Cartman said so much that he was willing to give it a try.

"One more thing, Cartman. Did you start the rumours about me being gay?"

"Yes." Kyle grit his teeth, anger flaring him. He knew this was too good to be true! That bastard! "But only because it was the only way I could see myself admitting all this too you."

"Oh…" Kyle's anger calmed again, and embarrassment clouded him. Was this the nice, genuine side of Eric Cartman? The side nobody ever saw? Did it even really exist? Cartman was always doing something for other reasons; Kyle couldn't tell how much of this was real. Even so, he wanted to believe it. Cartman had made him feel good about himself, had helped him feel complete for the first time in what felt like ages. Even Stan hadn't achieved that, since his super best friend had not known Kyle's secret.

"Look Kahl, I think you are like super kewl, and… nearly as awesome as me. I know you hate me, and there's probably not a lot I can do about it, but if you could find it in your heart to maybe give it a try, I'll be waiting, okay?" As Cartman turned to walk away, Kyle deliberated on what he should do. There was something so genuine about the Cartman he had just spoken to, but at the same time, he hated Cartman! Did he really want his first boyfriend to be the fatass who lived to crap up his life? It was ridiculous, yet at the same time, something felt right about it.

Eric Cartman was a jerk. He was egotistical and didn't often give a rat's arse about anyone besides himself. He was manipulative, twisted and evil. He would stop at nothing to get his own way, and he was extremely skilled at getting it. Kyle knew all of this, but somehow he wanted to believe. He wanted to believe that Cartman wasn't all evil, and that he was genuinely calling out, wanting to be loved.

.x.

Eric sat on his bed, staring out of his window. For once he wasn't stuffing his face with the snacks his mom had brought up to him. They sat, untouched, on the table beside his bed.

A quiet knock on his door barely stirred him. He didn't answer, so instead, after waiting a moment, the door creaked open.

"Cartman?" Eric would recognise that voice anywhere, it was the Jew. A small smile curled onto his lips and he turned away from the window. Kyle had removed his trademark green had, letting his red curls free. Eric liked that, he liked Kyle without that stupid hat.

"Hello, Kahl," he spoke softly, careful to keep his tone nonthreatening.

"I've been thinking," the smaller boy said, walking further into the room, and perching at the edge of Eric's bed.

"Yes, Kaaahl?"

Kyle frowned. "Goddamnit fatass! Can't you just say my name properly?!"

"Oh. Sorry, Kyle," Eric apologised. He watched as those large green orbs softened slightly. "So what have you been thinking about?"

The Jew blushed to a shade similar to his hair, causing Eric to grin in amusement. Barely thinking he reached out. Kyle flinched slightly; but relaxed considerably as Eric caught a strand of red and gentle twisted it in between his large fingers. Just as Kyle opened his mouth to speak, Eric grinned and gently placed his lips against the Jews. Unlike their first kiss, Kyle didn't hesitate before responding. His thin arms snaked around Eric's neck, effectively lowering his lips closer to Kyle's own, much to the larger boys' pleasure. A small moan escaped Kyle's lips as Eric's tongue skilfully explored his mouth.

Pushing Kyle backwards onto the bed, Eric straddled him, taking dominance. The Jew's cheeks were burning now, as Eric trailed kisses down his collar bone. Using his free hand, Eric started to tackle the buttons on Kyle's shirt, determined to get it off and allow his lips more freedom.

Suddenly the door flew open. "Hey, Cartman, we need to talk abo- Holy shit dude!" Both Kyle's and Eric's gazes flew to the door, where Stan stood; mouth slightly agape, black hair falling into wide blue eyes. "W…what the Hell?"

"Ah, faggot, you need to learn to knock," Eric said calmly, pushing himself off of Kyle and standing up. He smirked as the Jew, clearly embarrassed, hurried to redo his shirt and compose himself – not that there was any denying what they had been up too. Stan had caught them and no lies would work.

"S-sorry!" Stan was blushing now, clearly embarrassed to not only discover the rumours about his best friend were true, but also walk in on him making out with Eric Cartman of all people!

"Yes well," Eric shrugged indifferently. "What was it you wanted hippie?"

"Oh… no, it doesn't matter. I… How long?" The betrayal was obvious across Stan's face as he caught Kyle's eyes.

"I'm sorry Stan," Kyle muttered. "I… I wanted to tell you about me, but… You don't know how hard it's been! And then Cartman…"

"So the rumours are all true?" Stan asked quietly. Kyle nodded slowly.

"You could have told me, dude. I'm your best friend, I wouldn't have judged you."

"I know," Kyle muttered. "But, well, it was hard. I tried, believe me."

"And you're with Cartman now?" Stan asked, glancing between the two. Kyle's green eyes sought out Eric and stared at the larger boy for a moment. _Please say yes, Jew boy! _Finally, he nodded. Stan hesitated for a moment, before nodding back. "Well, okay then. I can't say I ever saw that coming."

.x.

As the weeks passed, Kyle grew more comfortable with being with Eric Cartman. The best part of it all, other than the amazing make out sessions and just having someone who cared about him, was that none of the other students seemed to care. Occasionally they got a 'fag' comment, but to the most part nobody cared in the slightest. It very quickly came to the point that Kyle couldn't remember why he had been nervous about coming out in the first place. Even his parents and Ike accepted him (although they were less approving of his choice of boyfriend).

Stan and Kenny still treated him the same as always, and Cartman ripped on him a lot less (but he didn't stop completely, as he claimed that would just be weird).

Things were actually pretty good. For what seemed like the first time in his life, Kyle was utterly content with his life in South Park.

"Kaaaahl, hurry up Jew!" Cartman complained as Kyle got ready for their five week anniversary. They weren't doing anything special, just going to Stark's Pond for a picnic. Kyle was deliberating over wearing his green hat or not. Cartman claimed to detest the old thing, saying Kyle looked much better without it. Even so, it was _his_ hat, the one item he always wore.

"Hurry the fuck up retard!" Cartman snapped impatiently. Kyle shook his head at the insult and tossed the hat on his bed. He was self conscious about his hair; he had never liked the 'Jewfro' as Cartman liked to call it.

"I'm coming!" he yelled through the door. He hadn't let the larger boy into his room. Since they had started dating, he had become self conscious about changing in front of Cartman. It was weird because they must have seen each other naked so many times since they knew each other. Cartman said he was acting like a little girl, and while Kyle agreed, he couldn't easily change how he was acting.

"About time," Cartman huffed as Kyle breathlessly opened the door. Before Kyle could apologise, Cartman's lips crashed against his. Cartman slammed the smaller boy roughly into the wall, ignoring his winces, and not breaking the kiss. Kyle let out a moan, his own hands sliding up Cartman's top. As Cartman's lips moved to his neck, Kyle let out a hiss of pleasure. Although he was quite content to continue on, Kyle realized that they were in the hallway of his parent's house, with his mother at home no less! Reluctantly, he pulled away from Cartman and took his larger hand.

"Come on, let's go," he encouraged.

"Damn you Jew," Cartman muttered, disappointed. "Just when it was getting fucking good as well."

"You might not care, but I don't want my mom catching us."

"Fucking fat bitch," Cartman muttered under his breath.

"Shut the Hell up fatass," Kyle snapped, whacking Cartman on the arm. "Don't talk about my mother like that."

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry! Let's go!" Hands still entwined, the pair left Kyle's house and made their way to Stark's Pond, Cartman carrying the picnic basket his mom had prepared for her 'special poopsikins'.

As Cartman spread out the blanket, Kyle shuddered into his orange jacket. A picnic probably wasn't the best of ideas for snowy South Park, but it did seem like a romantic date.

"So what's this special surprise?" Kyle asked eagerly, recalling something Cartman had mentioned earlier. Apparently the larger boy had a 'very special surprise' for him today, and Kyle was excited to find out what.

Cartman smirked and patted the freshly lain blanket. "You'll find out, Kahl." The way Cartman said that made Kyle nervous. He didn't know what exactly, but some bad feeling or other was crawling up his spine, warning him. "Say, Kahl, do you love me?"

"Huh?"

"Do you love me, Kahl?"

Kyle blushed slightly. "I… I guess so, yes."

Cartman's smirk grew. "Seriously?" As Kyle nodded, Cartman pushed him down onto the blanket, straddling the Jewish boy and holding his hands above his head. Cartman's nose brushed Kyle's, his warm breath tickling Kyle's face. Kyle gulped, something was seriously wrong here…

"You know what, Kahl?" Cartman drawled. "Quite some time ago I came up with this amazing plan. Seriously, I even surprised mahself with how awesome it was. You see Kahl, I wanted to pull the biggest and best prank on you; I wanted to hurt you Kahl, you fucking Jew." Kyle's green eyes grew wider with every word Cartman spoke. "So I came up with this fucking brilliant plan. I started a rumour that you were gay, and then the best part was that I told you _I_ was gay for you! You know how awesome it was when you believed me Kahl?"

"C-Cartman?"

"I'll admit, I've done some genius things in my times… My revenge on that bastard Scott Tenorman being one of mah best, but this Kahl, _this_ is one of my absolute favourites. This is something even Mitch Connor would approve of."

"You… this… what?"

"Are you going to cry Kahl? Do I get to taste those delicious salty Jew tears?"

"I… I don't understand," Kyle whispered. It was quite clear what was going on, but Kyle had never expected Cartman to take a 'joke' this far. So those past five weeks had just been building up to hurt him? Although Kyle had been cautious to begin with, he had never seen something like this coming, something so heartless and cruel…

"It's quite simple Kahl. I wanted to make you fall in love with me, so that I could break your heart. It worked, didn't it, Kahl?" Almost cackling in delight, Cartman sat up, still straddling Kyle. "Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya, nya! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I made you fall in love with me!"

Eye's brimming with tears he was trying to hold back, Kyle brought his knee up, skilfully hitting Cartman in the place no man deserved to be hit. Wincing in pain, Cartman fell away from Kyle, allowing the smaller boy to jump furiously to his feet.

"You unbelievable son of a bitch," Kyle said through gritted teeth. "You've done plenty of bad things in your life, but this… I never expected this!" Kyle bit the inside of his mouth, desperately trying to hold back his tears. He didn't want that bastard to see how much he'd hurt him. He didn't want Cartman to see he'd won. He'd finally hurt Kyle so bad that he wasn't sure he'd ever entirely get over it, but Hell if he were going to let Cartman know that.

Gasping in pain, Cartman raised his brown eyes to lock with Kyle's furious green pair. "You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?"

Kyle kicked him. Hard in the ribs, Cartman groaned in pain, pulling a hand over the injury.

"Kahl stooop it! You're hurting me!" he whined. "Can't you take a joke?"

"This isn't a joke, Cartman. This is fucking messed up! _You_ are messed up! A joke shouldn't intentionally be used to hurt people. I hate you Cartman. I fucking hate you so bad right now. I can't believe you Cartman… I seriously can't believe you!" Kyle finally lost his battle, and the tears started to fall down his face.

Cartman opened and closed his mouth a few times, apparently lost for words. The piercing look of hatred and hurt in Kyle's watery eyes stunned him into silence. Kyle shook his head slightly and turned on his heel, walking away. "Kyle…" Cartman muttered, still on his place on the floor. "…YEAH WELL I FUCKING HATE YOU TOO! FUCKING JEW!" he shouted to Kyle's retreating back. As Kyle disappeared, Cartman contemplated what he'd done. Perhaps this had been a joke too far? The look of hatred Kyle sent him wasn't the one he expected, nor the one he was used to. An unfamiliar feeling was working through his body, and Cartman struggled to suppress it.

After a while, he rolled onto his back, gazing at the sky. He pictured Kyle's lips warm against his own, and then the look of pure hatred in his eyes as the truth was revealed. Aloud he asked himself "was it really worth it?"

Cartman closed his eyes, and a small smile spread across his lips.

_Totally. _


End file.
